


We All Hurt In Different Ways.

by mylifeismediocre



Category: Emmerdale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 13:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16388750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeismediocre/pseuds/mylifeismediocre
Summary: Liv struggles with self harm.





	We All Hurt In Different Ways.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be cautious when reading this.

Aaron felt sick the minute he picked up the phone, anticipating the news on the other end of the line, knowing that any 3am phone call was anything but good. He didn’t recognise the voice on the other end, but from the lady announcing she was from a hospital in Dublin, the man’s mind immediately flew to the likes of Sandra.

“She has overdosed on what we think are very strong painkillers. We believe it was a suicide attempt, but unfortunately, we couldn’t get there on time. We tried to resuscitate her but unfortunately she passed away at 2:47am. We are so sorry for you loss, Mr Dingle.”

As the line went dead, Aaron was immediately wide awake, knowing he wouldn’t get back to sleep after feeling his heart drop the way it had. He hadn’t even noticed Robert sit up beside him, the man’s hair was dishevelled and all over the place, the blonde continuously running his fingers through it, the only visible sign of his anxiety. He reached his hand over, resting it on his husband’s back, eyes drawn to Aaron’s knee bouncing beneath the covers.

“What is it?” Hearing a voice, breaking the 3am silence, brought Aaron back into reality, turning as quickly as he could to face his husband, whose thumb appeared upon his cheek, wiping away a few stray tears that dared to fall.

“It’s Sandra. She’s, um, she’s killed herself.”

Robert retracted his hand from his husband’s skin as if he’d been burnt, taking in the information he had just received. Mirroring his husband’s movements, the pair’s hands immediately began toying with their jaw, running their fingers over the stubble, a subconscious, therapeutic stress reliever. The room fell silent, not a sound could be heard and Aaron felt as if the dark blue walls were caving in.

“How?”

“Overdosed.”

It didn’t feel real, the shock of it slowly beginning to settle in. The pair never liked the woman, finding her difficult and irritating, but their minds flew back to Liv. A 16 year old girl who was now an orphan, and seemed to have way too much pain being piled onto her plate. She was happy again, like she had been when they’d let her stay. She was desperate to leave her mum and her old life behind, and the men knew she would make herself feel guilty for being that way.

“How are we going to tell her?” Aaron asked, voice laced with concern and pain.

“We’ll tell her in the morning.” Robert didn’t want to wake her up with the bad news. He remembered how the nights following the loss of his own mother kept him awake. He wanted to let her have one last night of good sleep before the grieving process became too much. She would blame herself for leaving, for giving up on being her mum’s carer. At the end of the day, Liv was the one that kept that woman alive for all those years, barely getting a chance to be a kid herself. And with the teen finally settled after her stay in young offenders, the boys were terrified of her self-destructive habits, determined to not let her fall back to them.

“Do we have any alcohol in the house?”

“No.”

“Good.”

The men sat there until the sun came up. Staring at the walls, hands gripping the each other’s, taking deep breaths as they built themselves up to deliver the bad news. They were grateful that Rebecca and Ross had Seb for the night, knowing they would have no distractions when they finally told their little sister her worst nightmare.

\---

Liv woke up to the smell of pancakes being cooked downstairs, a little smile creeping its way onto her lips. She had wanted pancakes for ages but Robert refused to make them because of how unhealthy they were. She hated this new dad aspect of him, more overprotective than he had ever been before, but everyone was happy, truly happy, for the first time in a long time, and for that, she was grateful.

Slipping on a hoodie over her pyjamas, she headed downstairs, the smell intensifying as she got to the bottom. The sight before her confused her though. She expected Robert to be at the stove, with Aaron watching him with hearts in his eyes, but instead, the pair were both sat at the table, a plate of pancakes in front of her chair, and concerned looks upon her brothers faces. 

“Okay, what have you done?” Was her first response, light-heartedness to it as she pulled out the chair and sat down, blue eyes meeting their worried gazes. 

“Aaron got a phone call last night, and we don’t quite know how to tell you this-“

“Its mum, isn’t it?” The tone of her voice shocked them, and her reaction to their nods confused them. She tucked into her food, cutting up her pancakes with her knife and fork, the expression upon her face was tough to figure out, and the boys were wondering whether this is how she truly felt, or that she was in denial. 

“Liv.” Aaron called for her, kneeling down in front of her chair as Robert removed the knife and fork from the girl’s hands, sympathetic looks upon both of their faces, but her knee bouncing up and down beneath the table confirmed that she was in the moment with them.

“Did she take too many pills?”

Aaron nodding his head at her was enough for tears to slowly make their way into her eyes, bringing her sleeve up to wipe them away before they were visible. She hated showing weakness, knowing it was something people could pray upon, and use for their own personal gain. And despite being with the two people she trusted most, she still wanted to keep her pain hidden.

“She passed away at quarter to three this morning.” Robert informed her, Liv’s head turning to face him, her eyes glazed over with tears, and her hands were shaking slightly, playing with her fingers as she took in what was happening.

Her face went vacant for a second, before rising to her feet.

“I’m not hungry.” And with that, she disappeared upstairs, going slightly faster than usual, and with a bang, she slammed her bedroom door shut.

Aaron rose from where he had knelt before her, grateful that Robert was already there to engulf him in a hug. They hated how tough Liv was to read, and hated that they couldn’t help her even more. Robert knew how tough it was to lose a mum, knowing that getting your life back on track was harder than people gave credit for. And despite the relief of Gordon’s death, it still triggered Aaron’s anxiety and depression, desperately searching for the light that his father had turned off.

Gordon’s death got inside Liv’s head in ways she struggled to explain. He had brainwashed her, used and manipulated her, and threw her to the side when he no longer needed her. And she was grateful that she had broken out of that trance, but for all that time, she loved him. She loved having her dad back in her life, enjoyed being needed by someone besides her mum. But his death hurt her deeper than she had ever let on, but Aaron knew that if Gordon’s death hurt him the way it did, it clearly hurt Liv. But this was on a whole other level.

“Should I go up and check on her?” The brunette asked, pulling away from the hug he wished he could stay in forever, the safest place he had ever found, the happiest.

“I think we should just leave her to process this all for herself. Give her time.” And with that, Robert turned to start cleaning up, a little smile on his face as he saw Aaron begin to tuck into the pancakes still left on the table.

\---

The minute Liv slammed her door shut, the realisation hit her. She went straight to her chest of drawers, angrily shoving the things on top onto the floor, an angry shout escaping her lips. She glanced down at the mess she had created, eyes drawn to the photo frame of her and Gerry, a chunk of glass missing. Liv found the shard of glass beaming in the sunlight. Picking it up, she let it dance between her fingertips, eyeing it as if it were desirable. 

She had heard that Aaron used to cut himself. She remembered saying that it helped. Liv felt as if she had nothing left to lose, and as she slid up the sleeve of her hoodie, she allowed the glass to take control of her, a line upon her skin that was opening up, blood trickling out like a fountain, and cry of pain escaping her lips. Quickly grabbing a tissue off her bedside cabinet, she applied pressure, feeling relief, a release. It was like the pent up frustration inside of her had been freed, and absentmindedly, she did it again.

And slowly, but surely, the hurt she felt, the pain she made herself feel disappeared. 

Liv looked back to the mess she created, turning to eye the glass she was now twirling between her fingertips, her own blood visible. She wiped it clean on the inside of her hoodie before placing it in a tissue in the top drawer of her bedside cabinet. And returning to her chest of drawers, she opened one, pulling out a box of plasters she kept. Sticking one down onto the open wound, she began cleaning up, allowing herself to cry for the loss of her mother.

\---

The sound of the front door opening pulled Aaron and Robert from their thoughts. They were both sat on the couch, staring at the walls as they had done a few hours earlier. Glancing up, they were greeted with the sight of Chas and Paddy, a joyful ‘hello’, escaping the woman’s red lips, the smile dropping as she caught sight of the sad faces she was greeted with.

“What’s up?” Paddy asked, perching on the arm of the chair Chas had sat down in.

“Sandra killed herself last night.” Robert explained so Aaron didn’t have to.

Chas and Paddy glanced at one another before turning back to their boys, concern across all of their faces.

“She was a moody cow anyway.” The woman announced, smiling slightly at the tiny laugh she received in response, feeling the playful slap on the back Paddy gave her. The older man whispering about how ‘you can’t say that’. “How’s Liv dealing with it?”

“She’s been up in her room since we told her. I think it’s best to just let her process it-“Aaron was cut off as he heard the teen’s footsteps coming down the stairs, completely oblivious to Chas and Paddy, walking past them quickly as she headed for the door.

“I’m going out.” She announced, grabbing her coat off the hook on the wall, slamming the door behind her before anyone could stop her.

The mill fell into silence as the four processed the teen leaving, all trying to find something to say to her, to say to one another, but they all came up short. All Liv did was moan about her mum, but they knew she loved her a heck of a lot, but they feared the teen was neglecting her own feelings, trying to put her thinking process at a halt, pushing the news aside as if it held the same weight as running out of milk. The teen also never tended to talk about her mum, unless someone were to bring the woman up, but even then it was brief. No one knew how to approach the subject with her, terrified of making it worse, scared of pushing her into a downward spiral of alcohol and self-neglect.

“She’ll come around soon. It’s just a big shock.” Robert announced, with a sense of hope in his voice, not wanting Aaron to get upset. He watched as his mother and father in law stood up, both of them leaning down to press a kiss to Aaron’s forehead before making their way towards the door.

“We’ll leave you to it. Give her our love. And you know if you need anything, you know where to find us.” Hearing his mum’s reassuring voice, caused Aaron to make his way over to her and hug her tightly, feeling guilty at the relief of it not being his mum they lost. Giving him a last tight squeeze, they left, and all Aaron could do was wait for the return of his little sister.

\---

It was no surprise to Liv that she ended up in the cricket pavilion with a bottle of vodka she had nicked off the delivery truck outside of the pub. She didn’t care about the disappointment it would cause, or the argument it would create. The teen just felt as if she needed a break from life. It was one thing after the next, and despite the relief of not having to worry about the woman, all Liv felt was guilt for her mother. If she hadn’t of left to live with her brother, she probably could’ve stopped it. Well, delay it at least.

She felt selfish and disgusted and guilty and hurt all at once, and before she knew it, Liv was at the bottom of the bottle, silently cursing herself for not nicking two when she had the chance. But then she remembered the secret stash she had hidden beneath the floor boards before she had been locked up. And with the mill completely dry of alcohol, Liv lifted up a loose piece of wood from the floor, and grabbed the bottle of vodka, hiding the bottles again.

Opening the lid, and taking a sip, Liv relaxed back against the wall, head staring up at the ceiling, allowing herself to cry.

“I’m sorry mum.” She whispered, raising the bottle up towards the heavens before taking another sip; and another and another. 

\---

It was getting dark, and Liv had yet to return home. Every minute that passed caused Aaron to get more worried. He had continuously tried to call the girl before he realised she had left her phone on charge in her room. And with the autumnal nights making an appearance, it was chillier than normal. Her thin denim jacket she had taken with her wouldn’t be enough to stop the cold. Aaron wondered if she had a death wish, but the more he thought about it, the more he didn’t want to know.

Robert was cooking dinner in the kitchen. He played it safe with spaghetti, hoping the teen would be home, even if she couldn’t eat it. His eyes looked to where his husband was pacing by the door, occasionally rubbing his hands over his face. Something he did when he wanted a reality check and to remind him that this was all real. But Robert smiled at the relief on his face the minute Liv stepped through the open door, slamming it behind her.

“Where have you been? I’ve been getting worried.” Aaron asked her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her as tightly as he could, and that’s when he smelt the vodka. “You’ve been drinking.”

“Well done.” She sarcastically replied, slipping her jacket off and hanging it up on the hook beside the door. “What are you cooking?” She asked Robert, her voice slurred as she made her way into the kitchen and sitting down at the table, resting her chin in the palm of her hand.

“Spaghetti. How are you feeling?” The blonde replied, turning off the stove and plating the food up, watching Aaron out the corner of his eye as he sat down at the table, awaiting the food to be placed in front of him.

Robert could tell Aaron was mad and disappointed with Liv, but he understood the reasoning. The brunette kept trying to tell himself that it was a relapse because of the stress. He’d experienced that before, the people that cared about him getting angry because all they wanted was for him to get better. He understood that now. Understood that they were only looking out for him when he was struggling. But accepting his plate of spaghetti, he attempted to put all of his thoughts to the back of his mind, tucking in, grateful Liv was eating too.

\---

Liv disappeared to her room again after dinner, apologising for drinking on her way up the stairs, but her door still slammed shut. She slid down the other side, tears escaping her eyes as she let the reality of the day sink in. The alcohol had numbed the pain, but all she had thought about all day was the piece of broken glass in her bedside cabinet.

She sat on her bed, opening the drawer and unravelling the glass from the tissue she had hidden it in that morning. Sliding her sleeve up, she quickly removed the plaster, and with her lips between her teeth, she applied pressure, a breath of relief escaping her lips, eyes trained on the blood, but she already had a tissue and a plaster ready.

Wrapping it back up again, she slid it into her pencil case, knowing they boys would search her room after her relapse on alcohol. And with everything hidden, Liv fell asleep, tears still falling as she hid beneath her covers.

\---

As the months passed, the boys were impressed with Liv’s recovery with her drinking. Chas even gave her a job at the pub, feeling completely reassured that the teen would remain very much sober. She was good with the customers, was young enough to balance a million plates at once, and overall just enjoyed it.

However, no one was aware of Liv’s deeper, darker secret.

She felt like she almost gave it away the minute she dropped a few plates on the floor. Her eyes were drawn to a sharp piece of smashed porcelain, and before anyone could realise, she slid it into her pocket. She was embarrassed and frustrated, and needed a release as soon as possible. Before she knew it, Chas knelt down beside her, helping her pick everything up, reassuring her that it was okay.

“Can I go for my break now?” Liv all but begged.

“Ten minutes.” Chas replied with a warm smile, and with that, Liv disappeared and locked herself in one of the stools of the pub toilets. She reached into her pocket, retrieving the sharp shard of porcelain. Rolling up her sleeve, and taking a deep breath, the teen pushed it firmly into her skin. Her arm was littered with new scars and old ones. New pain and old pain. Her mind flew back to the day she found out about her mother’s death, the first cut, the first scar. She ran her finger over that one, before her gaze turned back to the blood, and trying to stop it before it got on her clothes and someone noticed. 

Straightening herself back up, she left the stall, memories going back to the day of her mother’s funeral.

\---

It was a rainy Thursday on the outskirts of Dublin. Just like Gordon’s funeral, no one bothered to show up. Sandra was never popular. She moved around so much she had no time to make friends, and the times she did were the reasons for her quick departure.

Liv was grateful that Chas and Paddy had joined her, Aaron and Robert. It made her feel a little less out of place. The teen didn’t really care about the service, turning down the eulogy. She had barely any happy memories with her mum, and coming to terms with that alone broke her heart. ‘If only I had stayed’, she thought, ‘mum would still be alive’.

And when Sandra was buried, Liv couldn’t wait to go home. The ferry wasn’t busy, and neither were the toilets, so the teen slipped into one to take the guilt she felt out and onto her skin, tears falling, heart breaking, soul shaking. The guilt was driving her insane, and the hurt even more. Liv was a carer first, then a daughter with Sandra. And with Gordon, she was just a piece in his chess game. He never cared about her. And neither did Sandra. And despite Liv now being part of a family that did, Liv struggled to handle it.

The sympathetic smiles, the reassuring hands on her back, small hugs and forehead kisses. The only reason Sandra’s funeral had guests was because of Liv. And none of them even liked the woman. It all felt fake and forced, and before the girl knew it, her arm was in pieces. Zoning out the reality whilst her mind took control, shaking out of it when she heard Chas call through the door to see if she was alright.

Quickly wrapping toilet paper around her arm, and pulling her sleeve down, she flushed the toilet and opened the door, finding Chas leaning against the sinks with her arms crossed.

“Are you okay?” She asked in that maternal tone of hers, and Liv just gave her a soft smile.

“I will be.” And once the teen had dried her hands, the older woman threw her arm around her step-daughter’s shoulders and guided her back to where everyone was sitting.

“Are you okay?” Robert asked her quietly as she sat down beside him.

“I’m coping just fine.” She told him, plastering on a fake smile before turning to look out of the window.

\---

There was one night in December when Liv just lost it. All the pent up frustration and grief within her was desperate to escape. Everyone thought she was coping well, but the anxiety in the pit of her stomach was igniting and ready to explode. Old art pieces were ripped up, bright red paint staining the cream carpet, an empty bottle of vodka on the kitchen side, tears falling, screaming, shouting.

When Aaron and Robert walked through the front door, they were shocked and concerned and sprung straight into action. They met her in the middle, where she was crying and attempting to pull her hair out, and all her brother could do was throw his arms around her, holding her wrists towards her chest so she couldn’t harm herself, and just let her cry it out.

Robert was already picking everything up off the floor, desperate to get every tiny piece in case Seb got a hold of something whilst exploring. The blonde was grateful his son wasn’t being dropped off until later on, knowing everything would be back in its place by then. His eyes looked at the siblings in the living room. He had never seen Liv so distraught, and he cursed himself for not putting in effort where it was due with her, just assumed everything was good, but he never tended to ask.

Watching the scene before him, Robert began to realise how thin Liv was, how pale. He barely recognised her, especially with her being so out of character for the first time ever. The girl had always been a ‘just get on with it’ kind of person. She didn’t tend to dwell on things she couldn’t control, and she was fiercely independent. But the current situation was anything but Liv.

Aaron could barely keep his grip on her, she was throwing herself about, but was growing tired and the man was silently grateful that she was easing. He glanced at his husband who was eyeing Liv from the kitchen, concern written across his face and it caused Aaron to take his sister in the way Robert was.

‘Has she lost weight?’  
‘She’s so thin.’  
‘Her skin is so pale.’  
‘She’s so weak.’

The thoughts were sending Aaron into panic mode, cursing himself for not realising that Liv was struggling sooner. And as Robert finished cleaning the place, Aaron sunk into the couch cushions, still holding on tightly to his baby sister. He could tell she was growing tired and slowly giving up on the fight, and he moved so she could lay down on the sofa. Letting go of her hand for the first time since they’d got home, Aaron was scared when he noticed blood on his hand. However, he brushed it off when he accepted the tea Robert offered him, forgetting all about it.

“I wonder what brought that on.” Robert announced, sitting in the armchair, glancing at Aaron who was sat in the other, opposite him.

“She has been coping oddly well. Maybe this was just the breakdown of it all.” Aaron tried to justify, eyes never straying too far from his sister. He ran a hand over his face as he sipped the warm cup of tea, anxious about the whole situation.

“Don’t beat yourself up about this.” Robert tried to reassure him, knowing his husband all too well that he could practically hear the anxious thoughts escaping him.

“How can I not, Rob? My baby sister just had a mental breakdown and we have no clue as to why. What if I’ve neglected her again?”

“You haven’t.” A tired voice from the sofa announced, causing both Aaron and Robert’s heads to snap to turn and look from where it was coming from.

Liv sat up from where she had fallen asleep on the couch, rubbing her eyes, grateful to see the mess she had created had already been cleaned up, she rubbed her arms, not liking how much they hurt.

“I had to hold you down, that’s probably why they’re a bit sore.” Her brother explained, and she was grateful he hadn’t discovered or caught onto her. She didn’t know whether to be happy or angry. She just felt sadness so strongly that any other emotion had no way of getting into her body.

“Want to tell us what all that was about?” Robert warily asked, placing the empty mug down on the coffee table so he could turn and get a better look at her.

“Just stress. It’s been a long year, a really shit year. I can’t wait for New Year’s Day, let me tell you that.”

Her response made a lot of sense, and the boys watched as she headed into the kitchen to get a glass of water before heading back towards them. She looked even thinner than she had half an hour ago, and both men were confused as to why neither of them had even noticed. Her pale skin, anxiety in the way she walked, dull eyes. She looked permanently in pain, or like someone was watching her, and she had to keep looking over her shoulder.

“So why did you turn to the vodka? You’ve been doing so well, Liv.” Aaron was using his protective, big brother voice, and Liv was careful not to roll her eyes at him. Rather, she bounced her legs up and down as she perched on the edge of the couch, giving a small shrug before she began talking.

“I was self-destructing. Vodka is what numbs the pain. Look, I’m sorry. I’m just going to go for a lie down.” And with that she disappeared upstairs, grateful to be escaping the interrogation, the whole conversation.

Aaron made a move to follow her, but Robert stood up, stopping him.

“Just let her breathe a little bit, okay?”

Aaron nodded.

\---

The minute her bedroom door shut, the tears began falling again. Liv lunged for her bedside table drawer, desperate for the sharp piece of glass, realising how much she was no longer in control of her actions. She was addicted, and before she knew it, her arm was bleeding all over again.

She applied pressure to the wound, desperate for it to stop, reaching for a plaster because she was becoming too impatient. Yanking her sleeve down, she slid the glass back into the pencil case she kept within the drawer, letting herself breathe for the first time that day. She could feel the sensitivity on her wrists where Aaron had grabbed her, and she was surprised he hadn’t noticed the scars, or opened the wounds.

Glancing around her room, Liv laid back against the cushions on her bed, falling into a dreamless sleep.

\---

The day her secret got discovered was her 17th birthday.

Liv had woken up in a bad mood, always hating her birthday, considering she’d never actually had a good one. Aaron had forgot, then Gabby humiliated her at her own party, and Sandra never gave a toss unless it benefited her. Liv wondered if the boys had forgot, and deep down she didn’t mind that idea. It was her day, she was never going to get any alone time. Taking a deep breath, she opened her bedside cabinet drawer, and let herself do what she’d done every morning for the past five months. It had become a routine, and she couldn’t not do it despite how hard she tried.

And once she had cleaned up, she pulled on her hoodie and made her way downstairs where Aaron, Robert and Seb already were. 

“Here’s the birthday girl!” Aaron cheerfully announced, causing Liv to smile before reaching down to press a kiss to Seb’s forehead, sliding into the chair opposite as Robert placed a plate of pancakes in front of her.

It took Liv some strength to eat, feeling deja vu all too well, something so similar occurring the morning she found out about the passing of her mother. Desperate to conceal her weaknesses, she plastered on a fake smile, laughing slightly as Aaron attempted to feed Seb, and Rob complaining because he’d only just sat down to eat his breakfast when everyone else was already finished. And before Liv knew it, three presents were placed in front of her.

“Thank you!” She replied, reaching across to open the first one, and then the second, and then the third.

Liv was very grateful for new paints, and pencils and an easel. But facing her family in the pub later was going to be even harder.

\---

After awkwardly listening to everyone sing, Liv felt relieved when she finally got to blow out all of the candles, wishing way too hard for impossible things. And with everyone desperate to try a piece of the rainbow cake Marlon had made, Liv was rushed into cutting everyone a piece. But after only cutting one, Aaron offered to take over, allowing the teen to get the first taste, her face proving that it was a success. 

However, when Aaron’s hands picked up the handle of the knife, he was shocked to find that it was wet, and glancing down at his hands, he realised it was blood. His mind immediately flew back to the day Liv had a mental breakdown, remembering the blood on his hand then, putting all the pieces of the puzzle together.

He knew the signs all too well, and could see straight through his sister’s act. She had been secretive, depressed, hurting right under his nose and he hadn’t picked up on it. He was desperate to roll her sleeves up, realising that she hadn’t worn a short sleeve top in months, wanting nothing more than to take her home and wrap her up in bubble wrap.

“Come on, Aaron!” Everyone began cheering, breaking the man out of his thoughts, proceeding to cut everyone a piece, wiping his hands on one of the napkins. His eyes were on her the whole night, and now he knew the truth, he could see straight through her façade. He was not looking forward to confronting her alone, so reaching for his husband’s hand, the pair slipped into the backroom.

“What’s wrong?” Robert asked as he watched Aaron shut the door behind them. The brunette was pacing back and forth, biting his nails, and was heading towards a panic attack, grateful towards his husband for snapping him out of it, falling into his arms as he regathered himself. 

“Liv’s been cutting herself. That’s why she’s been so off.” Robert reached out to steady the man, both staring so deeply into each other’s eyes.

“Shit, we really need to talk to her.” Robert breathed out as he listened to Aaron recall the story of the knife and when Liv had broken down a few months prior.

Before the boys had a chance to open the door themselves, Charity came flying through, panicking about something.

“Liv’s just collapsed. An ambulance has been called-“

She didn’t even get the chance to finish because both men were desperate to reach the teen. Aaron’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. Laid out on the floor, one of the bench cushions beneath her head. She looked even thinner, even paler, and despite discovering the truth, the sight before him was a reality check. Before he could stop himself, he was kneeling beside her, stroking her hair back and out of her face.

“Come on Liv, wake up. Olivia, please.” He couldn’t control his tears as he grabbed for her hand, and he could feel the dried blood in her palm.

Robert, on the other hand, froze. He’d had nightmares like this. Finding Liv unconscious in the woods a year and a half prior had scarred him in a way he couldn’t describe. The image his mind had replayed over and over again had become true, and looking at the girl’s tiny, pale form on the floor before him made him want to burst into tears. But before he could, he dropped down to his knees beside his husband, resting a comfortable hand on his back, as he too whispered words of comfort to Liv, urging her to wake up.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion the minute the paramedics arrived. Everyone was ushered out of the way, and it was in that moment that the men were aware of the amount of people that cared for their little sister.

Paddy had his arm around Chas, both of them with their hands over their mouths and worry in their eyes. Marlon was shifting his weight from one leg to the other impatiently, and Victoria was mirroring his actions beside him. Charity pressed a comforting hand to Noah’s back, and Zac and Sam and Lydia tried their best to keep out of the way, but wanted to be there. Gabby and Bernice looked genuinely shocked, and the older woman tried to joke about how maybe Marlon has spiked the cake like Liv and Gabby has spiked Lisa’s drink. However, the comments went unnoticed as Liv was wheeled and secured in the back of the ambulance.

And with room for only one visitor, Robert drove Paddy and Chas up to the hospital, following the ambulance the whole way there.

Aaron kept his grip on his sister’s hand, hating how long it took him to discover that something was wrong. He had neglected her, but he was grateful she was heading to the right place.

\---

After hours of waiting for news on the teen, a nurse finally came out to speak to them.

“Family of Olivia Flaherty?” They all raised their hands to call her over, fear evident on their faces.

“How is she?” Robert asked anxiously, reaching for his husband’s hand as they stood up to greet the woman.

“Olivia-“She began, but Aaron was quick to cut her off.

“Liv, she’s called Liv.” The nurse nodded with a sympathetic smile before continuing.

“Liv has contracted sepsis. She’s very unwell. But, we’re lucky you found out before it could spread to her internal organs. She’s on a strong dose of antibiotics and she should make a full recovery.”

“This is because what she did to herself, isn’t it?” Aaron asked with glazed over eyes, Paddy and Chas jumping up from their seats once they too had put the pieces together.

“Liv’s been self-harming?” Paddy breathed out, holding onto his wife’s hand, and gently resting the other hand on Aaron’s back.

Robert nodded at them, in shock with how similar Aaron and Liv were. He’d been through all of this before, so close to losing the love of his life, he couldn’t lose her too. The reality of it all began to sink in, and the nurse replying to Aaron’s question snapped him back into reality.

“We think it’s possible that she used something dirty to self-harm and that’s why the wound got infected.”

“She could’ve died.” Aaron breathed out, desperate to not begin full on crying when his baby sister needed him to be strong. She was always strong for him, now it was his turn to return the favour and he was desperate to not let her down this time. “What am I doing wrong?” His anxious thought was spoken aloud, and he wished he could take it back, desperate to not show weakness when he was actually allowed to see her.

“Things like this are never easy. You can’t put it all on yourself.” The nurse reassured him, receiving a sad smile in response with a simple ‘thank you’. “You can go through and see her when you’re ready.” And with that she was gone.

They all prepared themselves to head to the teen’s room, but turned back to look at where Robert had sat back down, finally showing the weaknesses he had been desperate to hide for the sake of his family.

“Rob?” Aaron called for him.

“I can’t. Everything’s falling apart and it all leads back to me. First you, now Liv. Is it me?” Everyone was shocked at his statement, and Aaron sat down beside his husband and reached for his hand.

“We got through my mental health together. And that’s exactly how we are going to get Liv through this, alright?” Robert gave a small nod, standing up to join Chas and Paddy, but reached for his husband’s hand before they pushed the door open to Liv’s room.

“I don’t know what to say to her.” Robert added quietly and was shocked when Paddy put a hand on his arm in reassurance.

“Don’t say anything. Just listen.”

\---

Liv had her back to them when they entered, refusing to meet their worried gazes. She was embarrassed and scared and wanted nothing more than to be alone. She could feel their anxiety radiating off of them, it felt as if someone had lit a fire within her, and she was slowly burning out. She felt insecure and ashamed, and the last thing she wanted to do was stare into her brother’s worried eyes, knowing that once she did, she could never go back.

“Why do we do it, eh?” She heard Aaron say, sitting down in one of the plastic chairs beside her bed. “We spend our lives pretending we know exactly how to deal with every problem that life throws at us. When really we haven’t got a clue.”

“Come on.” She heard Paddy say quietly, so quiet that she wondered if she’d heard it at all.

“We do remember what it’s like to be a teenager you know.” Chas carefully pushed, wanting to hear the girl’s voice but it still wasn’t enough to get her to start talking.

“I have done some pretty self-destructive things too.” Aaron added earning him a smile from his parents, and Robert placed his hand on his husband’s shoulder, rubbing it gently. “In fact, that’s an understatement. Do you know when I was your age that I beat Paddy up because I was in denial about being gay?”

That caught Liv’s attention, causing her to roll over to face them.

“I can still feel that.” Paddy added, a little bit of laughter warming the room up.

“But none of that was easy. I had to grow up really fast.” Aaron added.

“Like me.” Liv’s quiet voice replied, and everyone gave a sigh of relief. “When mum took those pills and drank and I had to take care of her.” Tears glossed over her eyes.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Aaron replied, standing up from the chair and perching on her bed, reaching for her hand as Chas sat down in the now empty chair. “We haven’t talked about that much, have we?”

“I think that’s when it all started. When you left and dad left. I mean, I wasn’t hurting myself then but I just wanted to be brave for her.”

Robert decided to stop holding back and let the tears that threatened to fall take control. He had never heard a voice as broken as Liv’s, had never seen her so vulnerable, and empty. She looked tiny in the hospital bed, dainty even. Like one wrong move and she could snap. The blonde appreciated Paddy’s arm around his shoulders, leaning into the side hug slightly, trying his best to conceal the fact that he needed comforting too.

“Seeing her so ill, and in so much pain, I hated it. I wanted to take the pain away and make her better, but I couldn’t. But when she died, I felt relieved.” Liv allowed herself to cry, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Chas reached for her step-daughter’s free hand, and rubbed her thumb soothingly across her knuckles. “Relieved that I didn’t have to see her suffer anymore, how sick is that?”

“No, it’s not.” Chas reassured causing the teen to meet her worried gaze. “It’s human.”

“I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t grieve. All I could do was attempt to carry on like nothing had happened.”

“I am so sorry.” Robert broke his silence, walking around to the other side of her bed to perch on it. He reached his hand out to brush a few stray hairs away and out of her face. “You know when we got home from the funeral, and I asked if you were okay and you said you were coping just fine; and I didn’t question it because, well it was easier not to. And it was really selfish.”

Liv sat up in a heartbeat, letting go of Aaron and Chas’s hands, and instead reached for Robert’s, holding onto them tightly. The sight made Aaron’s heart flutter, but he held back because he knew this wasn’t the time.

“No. You took me in.” She began, looking around, eyes meeting with everyone’s. “You all made me feel like I had a family again. You have no idea how much I needed that. I think I would’ve been okay eventually if it weren’t for the drinking. But you all make me feel good about myself and I messed it up. I pushed you away when you were only trying to help because I was ashamed of how I was feeling. All I did was moan about mum but losing her hurt. It just felt like I was spiralling, and one day, I just snapped.” Liv took a deep breath.

“And you hurt yourself.” Paddy added, heart breaking at the small nod he received in response.

“It felt like everything when quiet for a little bit. But then the feeling would keep coming back, the panic, so I just kept doing it, and now, now I don’t know how to stop.” Liv shook her head, tears falling, and for the first time since they had known her, Liv began opening herself up and letting people in, and everyone felt proud of her for trusting them in a way she’d never done before.

“Oh, Liv. You poor thing.” Chas spoke, tearing up herself. “Come here.” Liv fell into the woman’s arms, and not long after, she was engulfed in the arms of her whole family, the people she loved and the people who loved her. The teen pulled away to look at them, shaking her head slightly.

“What if I can’t stop?” She shrugged her shoulders. “What if I can’t be fixed?”

“Liv, you’re not broken.” Aaron told her with a calmness to his voice. “You just need a little bit of help, that’s all.” He reached over to cup her face, his thumbs rubbing her tear stained cheeks. “And there is no shame in that, okay?” She nodded.

“I just wish I told you sooner.”

“It’s alright, come here.” And she fell into her brother’s arms, and that was the safest she felt in a long time, reaching over to hold onto Robert’s hand, letting him lean down and press a gentle kiss to her forehead.

\---

Liv was grateful when she got the news she was being discharged. Even though it had only been a few days, all she wanted was to go home and watch rubbish TV, eat home cooked meals and have a cuddle with Seb.

“I bet you can’t wait to go home and sleep in your own bed.” A nurse told her, Aaron following behind, reaching for his sister’s bag and sliding it onto his shoulder as he reached round to put a hand on her back.

“It is a bit lumpy.” She quietly joked.

“Is she going to be okay to come home?” Aaron double checked, hating how vulnerable and scared Liv sounded. But after late night conversations with Robert, the pair had come to terms with the fact that she was just a kid who was forced to grow up too soon. She wasn’t a 22 year old woman that was beginning to see life for what it truly was. 

“The infection in her blood has been cleared. But you’ll need to take the antibiotics for a week or two. And I’ll introduce you to our clinical psychiatrist, Gavin. He needs to determine whether you’re at risk of repeating the self-harm.”

“I’m not, I promise. I never want to feel like this again.”

Aaron gave her a soft smile before turning back to the nurse.

“So what happens after she’s been accessed?” He asked.

“Well, if they’re happy to send Liv home, it’s likely they’ll recommend cognitive behavioural therapy. It helps to change the way you think and cope. It’s very good, and it works.”

“How long will I have to do that for?” She asked nervously, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, noticing that Aaron was holding onto her a bit tighter, his thumb rubbing her back, like he was terrified she was going to collapse again.

“For as long as it takes.” The nurse smiled a reassuring smile, and Liv nodded anxiously. “You’ll have weekly appointments, but it’s important that you don’t see this as a race to the finish. Some people have therapy for years.”

“And we will support you one hundred percent.” Robert spoke, walking into the room, smiling at the teen, finding comfort in the one she returned.

“I feel dead ashamed being in here.” Liv whispered, shaking her head slightly. “What if someone sees me?”

“You’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.” The nurse reminded her. “We all hurt in different ways. The important thing is you’ve got the help you need now.” The nurse reassured, accept the nods of the three with a smile. “You are not alone, Liv.”

“We are all here for you.” Aaron added, which caused the girl to relax into his arms.

“I’ll leave you to get organised. Gavin’s office is just down there, on the right, when you’re ready.”

“Thank you.” Liv spoke, smiling slightly at the woman who shut the door behind her.

“You know you’ve been so brave dealing with all this. I’m so proud of you.” Robert told her, opening his arms for her, letting her settle in close, resting his head on hers.

“We both are.” Aaron smiled, grateful to be taking his little sister home.

“I feel like a burden.” She admitted. “And you’ve only just got over what happened with you and you’re so busy with Seb.” She added, speaking quickly out of sheer anxiety.

“Liv, we love you, okay?” Aaron told her. “You’re our family and we’re going to be with you every step of the way. Do you understand?”

“Do you think I’ll get better?”

“Absolutely.” Rob told her.

\---

‘Recovery begins at exactly that moment when you are completely broken to pieces and must surrender to unfamiliar and uncomfortable ways in order to be rebuilt into who you were meant to be.’


End file.
